alone again...

One of the most difficult things about returning to Oklahoma after 5 years overseas is the feeling of isolation.  I'm definitely a duck out of water here.  And the issue is exacerbated by living in such a small community.  I'm more at ease in Stillwater than I am in Enid, perhaps because I lived in Stillwater as an adult.  Divorced one spouse there and met the next ex there.  Had friends there and something that resembled a social life.  I've never had any of these things in Enid.  I was a kid here.  The people who remember me from here, remember me as a kid.  Honestly, I've been lonely to the point of desperation.  More than a year after moving back here, I still don't have any friends in this area.  None.  I moved to Europe and made friends with people from all over the world, but can't seem to connect to people from my own home town.  I've started dating, as mentioned before, and the results have been disappointing at best and disatrous from time to time.  I went out this weekend with a nice guy.  We had a good time friday.  A nice time Saturday afternoon.  He said he'd call yesterday evening and.... NOTHING.  Who knows, maybe the fact that he's my brother-in-law's cousin was a bit too weird for him to handle.  I can understand that, but a phone call stating so would have been nice if that's the case.  At least he didn't act like an ass, which is more than I can say for the last couple of dates.  Then again, perhaps it really is me.  There is a guy that I genuinely like.  He's been away for the entire summer and things were just starting to get started when he left so, I've been just kinda hangin waiting for his return.  Knowing my luck, he'll return and nothing will ever go anywere.  I've got to get a life, get a hobby, meet some new people.

One of the hang ups that I have at this point is religion.  If you were to look at my facebook page on any given day and you'd see a poignant difference between my American friends and my European friends.  The American friends are all members of the "Hallelujah Chorus".  "Praise Jesus" and "pass this on if you love God".  European friends do not mention religion.  This is not to say that they are without religious or spiritual beliefs, but they are personal and they don't feel the need to advertise them.  Do I tell my American friends this?  No.  I don't want to offend them, nor do I want a sermon about the teachings of the bible etc.  I grew up in church.  I've read, if not all of the bible, at least a large portion of it.  But most people will post something religious on thier facebook status while behaving in a different manner when out and about.  Case in point... fiasco date with Farmer Joe:  While professing to be very religious and "being defined by being Catholic", Farmer Joe went off on a tangent using more curse words than an Irishman to tell me how unladylike I am and that I'm going to end out alone and lonely because I won't change to suit someone else's desires.  Yo, Joe, F you!  You are one of the many people who have led me to keep my religious views to myself.  As you drown yourself in whiskey and coke, you become self-righteous and pass judgment on those you don't even know.  Then the next morning you drag yourself to mass and behave as if your presense there erases the unkindness of your words and actions and even justifies them because, hey, you went to mass so you're somehow allowed to be an ass the rest of the time.

If you're going to behave in a manner that does not reflect your religious views, then how commited are you really to those beliefs?  And so, I reamain alone and hope that Dawg returns soon.