hump day

Still not sleeping too well due to paranoia over mousey. 

Oh wll, exercised this evening.  ChaLEAN Burn Circuit 2.  Could only do about 3 half assed push ups at the end. but I did it...then had dinner...then had tacos with mom and watched  the end of America's got Talent. 

Nothing profound to say tonight.  Just sleepy.

"After a while you worry that the pain will pass and you'll stop missing them....." ....

 more than 2 years later...

eeek a MOUSE

When my friend Dawg visited my house (ok, it's a trailer...whatever) he said "this is Country Club living".  He's so nice.  Truth of it is, I live in a tiny town.  I live on the edge of said tiny town with lots of grass and fields around me, right next to the railroad tracks which are very overgrown.  So, as a result of all this rural bliss, I have a mouse in the house.  I was so freaked out last night that I didn't sleep.  Every time I felt the slightest movement of air, I was sure that the mouse was crawling on me.  Now, to be fair, I've known mousey was here for a few days and have discussed options for ridding the house of him with various friends.  I took Mitza's advice and have put plops of peanutbutter on plates in various nooks and crannies.  With baby Chuck running around the house, I just can't take the chance of her getting ahold of a mouse trap or poison.  So, peanut butter it is.  Never heard of this trick but Mitza swears it works and I trust Mitza.  She's the bomb.

I actually exercised today... and followed my diet.  Whoopty-do.  I'm just in a crappy mood.  I'm lonely  and I'm frustrated.  It's been over 2 years since I had a boyfriend.  Ok, I have dated.  I've dated a lot.  But in the past 2 years, only 2 people have made it to date 3 and they are both so emotionally unavailable.  Which is probably why they made it.  If you're terrified of a commitment, no matter how badly you may crave one, the best people to hang out with are other commitment phobics.  Ones that are either a) confirmed bachelors till the day they die or b) already legally married so they can't get to serious but aren't so married as to not date.  Friends with benefits and nothing more.  And while I do enjoy the benefits, I want something more.  I am ready for something more substantial.  I am ready for something special.  But no one that I've met is on the same page.

So this evening I was watching MTV with my mom (WTF???).  Can't remember the name of the show at the moment but this young guy was hanging out with a rapper named Meino (spelling????).  I'm not too big into the hip hop scene, but something this guy said struck a chord.  He was talking about being in prison for 10 years and after a couple of years just started thinking.  He had time to think, to reflect, to develop his thoughts and that's when he started rhyming and writing.  Ok, my situation is not as dire as prison, but I thought perhaps that is something to ponder.  Use this time of lonliness to think, reflect, decide who it is that I want to be.  What really matters to me.  Develop the things about myself that I want without worrying about anyone else or what a man will think about this that or the other.  Or maybe I was just envying the fact that this rapper was shopping at Bloomingdales and I was trying to chanel whatever kind of mojo gets you a bank account that can go there.

alone again...

One of the most difficult things about returning to Oklahoma after 5 years overseas is the feeling of isolation.  I'm definitely a duck out of water here.  And the issue is exacerbated by living in such a small community.  I'm more at ease in Stillwater than I am in Enid, perhaps because I lived in Stillwater as an adult.  Divorced one spouse there and met the next ex there.  Had friends there and something that resembled a social life.  I've never had any of these things in Enid.  I was a kid here.  The people who remember me from here, remember me as a kid.  Honestly, I've been lonely to the point of desperation.  More than a year after moving back here, I still don't have any friends in this area.  None.  I moved to Europe and made friends with people from all over the world, but can't seem to connect to people from my own home town.  I've started dating, as mentioned before, and the results have been disappointing at best and disatrous from time to time.  I went out this weekend with a nice guy.  We had a good time friday.  A nice time Saturday afternoon.  He said he'd call yesterday evening and.... NOTHING.  Who knows, maybe the fact that he's my brother-in-law's cousin was a bit too weird for him to handle.  I can understand that, but a phone call stating so would have been nice if that's the case.  At least he didn't act like an ass, which is more than I can say for the last couple of dates.  Then again, perhaps it really is me.  There is a guy that I genuinely like.  He's been away for the entire summer and things were just starting to get started when he left so, I've been just kinda hangin waiting for his return.  Knowing my luck, he'll return and nothing will ever go anywere.  I've got to get a life, get a hobby, meet some new people.

One of the hang ups that I have at this point is religion.  If you were to look at my facebook page on any given day and you'd see a poignant difference between my American friends and my European friends.  The American friends are all members of the "Hallelujah Chorus".  "Praise Jesus" and "pass this on if you love God".  European friends do not mention religion.  This is not to say that they are without religious or spiritual beliefs, but they are personal and they don't feel the need to advertise them.  Do I tell my American friends this?  No.  I don't want to offend them, nor do I want a sermon about the teachings of the bible etc.  I grew up in church.  I've read, if not all of the bible, at least a large portion of it.  But most people will post something religious on thier facebook status while behaving in a different manner when out and about.  Case in point... fiasco date with Farmer Joe:  While professing to be very religious and "being defined by being Catholic", Farmer Joe went off on a tangent using more curse words than an Irishman to tell me how unladylike I am and that I'm going to end out alone and lonely because I won't change to suit someone else's desires.  Yo, Joe, F you!  You are one of the many people who have led me to keep my religious views to myself.  As you drown yourself in whiskey and coke, you become self-righteous and pass judgment on those you don't even know.  Then the next morning you drag yourself to mass and behave as if your presense there erases the unkindness of your words and actions and even justifies them because, hey, you went to mass so you're somehow allowed to be an ass the rest of the time.

If you're going to behave in a manner that does not reflect your religious views, then how commited are you really to those beliefs?  And so, I reamain alone and hope that Dawg returns soon.

communication failure

yesterday had no internet, phone wouldn't charge, then buttons on the blackberry wigged out.... grrrr.

Comfy buns

Yeh, so the alarm went off at 5 am.  I got up, staggered to the bathroom, then collapsed back in bed.  I want to be a morning exerciser but I'm just not.  That's ok, I did manage to exercise this evening.  I did ChaLEAN Extreme Burn Circuit 1, had dinner, then broke out the new-to-me second hand bike and went for a ride.  When I was a kid, we used to ride around the "mile quarter" out in the flats.  I thought this would be easy.  Um, yeh it was not.  By the time I was done, I felt like someone had beat my lady parts with a stick.  I definitely need to check into that comfy buns bike seat thing.  It didn't help that the roads are like wash boards.  BUT I made it.  Work was good.  Busy but not hyper stressed or anything.  Boss was even in a pretty good mood.  I say that I've given up on the dating thing, which is easy to do during the week when your busy with day to day life and don't really have time to mess with it.  I'll get into the dating thing more in depth later.  Having bombed two marriages, I'm a bit of a commitment phobic at this point.  I will also begrudgingly admit that I've never gotten over the "love of my life" and still compare everyone to him.  I don't really compare people to him but I compare my feelings for others to the feelings that I felt for him and really there is no comparison.  There are no words that can adequately express the intensity of what I felt.  However, I don't intend to live my life pining away for something that will never be. Eh, so much for the blog thing for tonight.

Yes, I watched Julie & Julia

So the other night, I watched the movie Julie & Julia with my girls.  I liked it.  Cute movie full of my favorite things... food, France, and random Europeans.  The gist of it was that both women were restless and unsatisfied and in search of something more.  Sounds like me to a T.  So, having been inspired to do something (as opposed to the nothingness I usually participate in) I decided to start a blog.  No particular theme really.  As of late, I've been trying to get back out in the dating world with disastrous results.  Am currently trying to fix up the home I'm living in as the previous tenants were animal lovers but allowed said animals to destroy the place. (spent the labor day weekend pulling out stinky, nasty carpet so that my home no longer smells like a combination of wet dog and litter box).  Also, like every other American woman, I am constantly "starting on Monday"... that diet and exercise promise to begin anew on Monday, or the first of the month, or "someday", but never quite "today".  Each night, I make a promise to wake up early and exercise, eat healthy (I'm a big fan of south beach diet and peanut butter m&m's...not really compatible).  Tonight is just the same.  Have the alarm clock set for 5 am with the best of intentions.  If you're an early riser and care to give me a wake up call, that would be much appreciated.

À bientôt